How to spot a Narcissist: Are you considering leaving one?
As a specialist law firm practicing in Family Law, we regularly field inquiries from people who are attempting to navigate complicated personal relationships and where they can feel disempowered to take action in resolving conflict or try to leave the relationship.
Those who wish to separate can feel trapped, as they are worried how their partner may react to the news. When we take instructions, we hear from clients who describe partners or ex-partners exhibiting narcissistic, controlling traits, and as such our firm has built a reputation for our offering advice and planning both from a legal and a practical sense that aims to shift the balance in power back to the victim.
This may allow them to retake control in their lives through formal representation or through “behind the scenes” consultation, which can be very important to some clients when they may not want their controlling partner to get wind of their plans.
In this article, we look at how to identify narcissistic and controlling behaviour and what the first steps are in getting a plan together if someone is looking to leave the relationship.
Let’s first cover an important area of the Family Law Act. Australia operates under a “no fault jurisdiction”, where neither spouse is required to provide proof or reasoning that the other has caused a breakdown in the relationship. Our role as a law firm is not to help prove our clients are married or partnered with a narcissist.
But as professionals in this space, we believe it is important for us to understand the delicate complexities behind certain relationship dynamics and personalities, so that we can help provide tailored and advice protecting our clients position and stay one step ahead of controlling or dangerous behaviour from their ex.
This allows us to:
make informed decisions and best anticipate how individuals may respond after receiving news of their partner wanting to separate or commencing legal proceedings;
tend to our clients’ expectations and provide guided assistance on how the situation may realistically play out; and
ensure our client’s physical, emotional and financial safety is safeguarded and that their best interests are at the forefront of our consultations.
Together, the “Lagom approach” enables us to empower our clients with the best practical and legal advice on how to approach the end of a relationship with as little friction as possible.
Unfortunately, individuals with narcissistic personality traits can present unique and difficult challenges. Lets take a moment to explore.
What is a narcissist?
Individuals who have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are said to be rare, comprising less than 1% of the general population. However, according to leading Government research out of the US, narcissistic behaviours and traits are increasing in the community, and particularly when combined with other common behaviours, such as substance abuse, antisocial personality traits, and borderline, schizotypal, and passive-aggressive personality disorders can lead to extreme levels of coercive control in relationships that undermine the balance in power.
Often, when our clients describe their partner as a ‘narcissist’, they are referring to traits such as:
an inflated sense of self-confidence and entitlement
a lack of empathy or compassion
overly charming while being masters of manipulation
gaslighting
a lack of respect for other people’s boundaries
love-bombing and trauma dumping
What are examples of coercive and controlling behaviours which are red flags that our clients need specialist advice in navigating their separation?
The following are examples we regularly encounter when taking client instructions, where controlling or narcissistic behaviours are present in the relationship and need specilaist advice to formulate a legal plan and take action:
the conversation is always about how good things are when with friends and family but then actions being completely destructive and demeaning behind closed doors
being unable to accept criticism on any level
lashing out at strangers where things go from 0 to 100 with little or no warning
never apologising or accepting when they have been wrong
decisions being their way or the highway
very few long-term friends
attempts to isolate partners from friends and family
cheating
dishonesty financially or complete stonewalling regarding sharing decsions and information on family finances
How can Lawyers help if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to leave?
We understand that engaging a lawyer can often feel like a last resort, but the earlier that people seek legal advice, the more that can often be done to protect one’s parenting and property entitlements under the Family Law Act.
It is important to note that even if you are comfortable or have gotten ‘used to’ a certain relationship dynamic, that does not always mean that it is healthy or normal. For some people, the behaviours shown by their partner are not too severe or difficult to manage, and they are content within their dynamic, but it can be friends of family that suggest there are warning signs.
As family lawyers, our team can discuss in a completely confidential setting, what you can do to plan your separation, particularly when children are involved and what your rights are to property, living arrangements and financial support given that future needs and incomes can often be disparate between individuals in a relationship.
We can also make urgent applications to the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia and the Family Court of Western Australia should you need to file in those jusisdictions, for sole occupation of the home and for parenting and custody arrangements when there is a need.
If you are considering separation and need advice on what that may entail and the legal and practical steps it is important to seek help from a specialist team who understand the dynamics or controlling relationships.
Our excellent and experienced team has availability to see you as soon as possible and can usually see you within a day or so of booking. You can book a free discovery call here or contact us on (02) 8379 1835.
We look forward to helping you.
Author: Nancy Zou, Legal Assistant at Lagom Family Law.
** The information contained in this blog is general and does not constitute legal advice in your particular maner. You should consult a lawyer specialising in family law for independent legal advice regarding your particular circumstances **
Lagom is a Swedish term meaning “the right amount” of something. This is our philosophy of practice as we aim to provide tailored advice specific for your individual needs - that’s just right for you!
Lagom Family Law is a boutique legal practice lead by Principal Lichee Hogland who strives to achieve the best possible outcome for her clients whilst being approachable and respectful.