Separating from a Narcissist
If you are in a relationship with a ‘true’ narcissist, chances are you have already been through quite an experience. Making the break, or separating, from a narcissist probably feels overwhelming and daunting. Read on for some tips that might help you through that journey.
Traditionally, narcissism isn’t clear cut, rather there is a bit of a spectrum that a narcissist might fall onto. A ‘true’ narcissist suffers from a diagnosable condition, narcissistic personality disorder, believes they are superior to others and expect to be treated as such.
They likely have little no empathy and struggle to recognise the needs of other people. When it comes to separation, this means there is no ‘right’ way to handle the process, but these tips might help in the situation someone is looking to break free from a relationship with a narcissist:
1. Rally your tribe
A narcissist is unlikely to handle the rejection of a breakup well. Tell your support network before you plan to end the relationship, because the behaviour of a narcissist is often unpredictable. It will be so important to have your support network around you not only to provide emotional support, but to be there to help you put in place a safety plan if the situation should escalate and you at risk.
2. Implement self-care strategies
We said before, if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have been through a lot of stress. You may be worn down and tired, so now, with separation on the horizon, it is important to get your sense of self back. You may also be about to experience a difficult road ahead once you make the break, so it is important you have in place some strategies to help you take a breath during the separation process.
This can include making an appointment with a psychologist yourself, to ensure you have a mental health plan in place and can speak to someone professionally about your emotions and rationale.
3. Make a clean break
In our experience, it is not uncommon for a narcissist to make repeated attempts to reconcile the relationship, using love bombing (extreme displays of attention and affection) to manipulate. If you feel in your heart of hearts that the relationship is at its end, make a clean break, and start the separation process. It will be difficult at first, but clean breaks often heal better in the end.
4. Buy a diary
Journaling might be one of your self-care strategies, but keeping a diary in a separation becomes important, not just on a personal level. If things take a turn and you need to seek the Court’s assistance, a contemporaneous record of what happened on whatever day can make it a lot easier to prepare your matter.
5. Focus on the big picture when negotiating and elements of separation
A ‘true’ narcissist probably has a deep desire and need to ‘win’ or be ‘proved right’. So pick your battles wisely and focus on the bigger picture, which is resolving your matter and moving on. If both parties to a separation have an inability to focus on the bigger picture and keep trying to ‘win’ then the biggest loser will be your hip pocket. Rather, if you can allow the narcissist to feel as though they’ve ‘won’ something by conceding on some less important issues, you may be able to achieve an outcome easier.
6. Take a deep breath… and let it go
It’s not uncommon for a narcissist to engage in incredibly poor verbal and written communication. It can be hard not to react, but it is so important not to stoop to their level. You are not losing anything by treating them well and communicating with them politely and in a business-like fashion even in the face of their poor behaviour and no amount of legal intervention is likely to get a narcissist to curb their poor communication style. Instead, it shifts the focus to their flaws should your communications be read before a Court and reflects poorly on them, not you. So, focus on what you can control and let the rest go.
7. Seek advice
Separation is difficult in any circumstance. Separation from a narcissist presents some extra challenges and so it is always helpful to seek professional advice. Knowledge is power and a specialist Family Lawyer will help you put strategies in place rise above and move on in life, without giving everything up, just because you need your clean break.
If you want to discuss your separation, our team of experienced lawyers at Lagom Family Law are here to help. You can book a complimentary discovery call with our team here.
Lagom is Swedish and means not too little, not too much, just right. This is our philosophy of practice as we aim to provide tailored advice specific for your individual needs - that’s just right for you!
Lagom Family Law is a boutique legal practice lead by Principal Lichee Hogland who strives to achieve the best possible outcome for her clients whilst being approachable and respectful.